August 24, 2007 | KABUL, Afghanistan -- Teams of Harvard-educated mountain gorillas were deployed by helicopter and parachute drop today into the heart of Afghanistan's rugged Wakhan Mountains, near the border of Pakistan. The mission, dubbed "Operation Simian Storm," focused Baroghil and Kachin passes that link Afghanistan with neighboring Pakistan, and are believed to be heavily used by Taliban insurgents.
Its goal, according to Lt. General Mario Luigi, is to "find and eliminate nests of insurgent canine activity."
Gorillas were deployed in teams of twelve, including two human paralegals and two barrel wranglers per team. They will issue warnings to owners of pitbulls displaying any of the hallmarks of Islamic radicalization, including an aversion to pork, a penchant for turbans, and excessive barking when shown pictures of Salman Rushdie.
One of the first great apes to enter the combat zone was Coco, who explained her mission (via sign language) thus: "Coco want banana airplane banana bring Coco lawsuit dog Coco not want bad beard man dog Coco angry Coco want more banana no dog."
A follow-up mission, tentatively identified as "Operation Good Boy," will attempt to win over radicalized pitbulls via treats and verbal praise. It is currently in the planning stages.