May 1, 2009

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Rating: 20 minutes out of 107 I'll never get back.

The makers of X-Men Origins: Wolverine are ahead of their time. They really should have waited until the Academy Awards show added a trophy for "Best Example of How Not to Make a Comic Book Movie," because they would have had it in the bag.

It's really a pity, because you can tell they worked so hard to hit every note precisely:
  • Total disregard for the source? CHECK!
  • Shitty green screen? CHECK!
  • Shitty green screen in scenes that don't even need it? Like walking into some trees? CHECK!
  • Fights that are so obviously on wires that they might as well have left them in? CHECK!
  • Cornball dialogue? CHECK!
  • Inconsistent even with other movies in the same franchise? CHECK!
  • Good actors wasted by a shitty script? CHECK!
  • Villain whose plan makes no fucking sense at all? CHECK!
  • Way, way too many characters, "to make the fans happy?" CHECK!
  • Characters who have no business in the story, just because they're popular? CHECK!
How this movie passed the kindergartner test is beyond me.

Focus Group Schmuck: So, Billy, what did you think about that scene with the motorcycle? Cool, huh?

Kindergartner:
But ... the man from Wanted --

FGS: He's not from Wanted, he's Agent Zero!

K: Really? Cause he is just like that guy ... except when he's stealing moves from Christian Bale's character in Equilibrium.

FGS: AGENT ZERO. NOT FROM WANTED. Thank you.

K: Okay, the man who shoots things super fast and never misses ... why doesn't he shoot the motorcycle wheels?

FGS:
Um ...

K:
And since they know the only way to stop Wolverine is with adamantite bullets, why don't they give the gun with those bullets in it to the man who never misses with a gun instead of just leaving them lying around for the first two acts?

FGS:
Uh ... he can only shoot regular bullets. Yeah.

K:
And why do they keep saying Wolverine did bad things? He whines about every bad thing his friends do and then leaves before they even do it.

FGS:
Well, he's the hero. We can't show him doing anything actually bad, because that would be complicated.

K:
And why is Cyclops in it? He didn't know Wolverine in the other movie that comes later.

FGS:
Well, it is a long time ago, maybe he forgot.

K: That seems unlikely.

FGS: A very long time ago.

K:
If it's so long ago, why are they driving around in Hummers and using modern computers?

FGS:
They're mutants.

K:
Did you guys make this suck this bad just to make Brett Ratner feel better about himself?

FGS:
Well ... Wait. How old are you again? Security!

2 comments:

Ink Gorilla said...

Sounds like a movie for lying down and avoiding...

Anonymous said...

Best review I've read so far.

And at least you're reading Broken Angels (one of my favorite books).

Hey, I even used to live in Pasadena. (worked for JPL)